Sandra

sjpp @ 2008-11-15T15:42:00

2008-11-16T01:10:09Z

This afternoon, I stood at my ironing board bashing myself for the disorganized mess which is the interior of my home and agonizing over my failure to live the life I want to live, I became angry and finally the thought, "That's it!" blasted into my head. I work so hard, and I am tired of working for no reward! Long hours at work leave me physically exhausted and emotionally drained. With my few free hours I must choose between community and self; between spending time with my boyfriend and connecting with my home. And all too often, I am too tired to choose anything; my desire for comfort overwhelms all the other voices, and I lose myself by whatever means I have available: television, internet, sweets...

I stood a while longer working the wrinkles out of my skirt. My mind swam around my defiant thought. So then what? If I do not do the work I have been doing, what will I do? This is a universe of cause and effect. Everything that happens is an effect of some causal event which was an effect of some other causal event, going back and back, causes and effects spinning off each other from the Star Goddess's first glimpse of herself in the mirror of space, from the first utterance of the words "I am", from the Big Bang, or perhaps going back without end. Where I am now is a result of what I am doing, and if I want different effects, I must change the causes.

I continued to paddle through thoughts of what reward it is that I am seeking, and what rewards I have received, their meaning and lack of meaning. How do I change my efforts to reap the rewards I truly want? Is what I want even possible? What do I really want? Why don't I have it? What do I have in my life that I don't want? What parts of my life would I be willing to give up? I have a good life. I need to tie up a few loose ends, but for the most part, the things that I don't have that I want, I don't have them because they come into conflict with other important parts of my life. And there is the ever present rub.

A major facet of my life is the conflict between infinite nature and finite body. Both are delicious, and spur the other on toward growth and expansion and deepening and meaning. But at times their contradictions tear me apart. I know I am not alone in this struggle. I stand in awe of those few who seem to be born free from the conflict, who do not struggle for meaning, who do not feel the constant pushing of the limitless within the bounds of their flesh. But I reserve my deepest respect for those who feel the conflict without becoming part of it; who grow and expand without being torn apart. In the end, I know that is the work that I must do; that is doing me; that is the effect toward which I am working and will work constantly.

And so, I know that once I get my house cleaned up and organized, and once I lose 20 pounds and come into better relationship with food, there will just be more things that feel just as urgent for me to deal with. And when I catch my breath and regain my perspective, I can see that this is really cool because without it how would I grow? I just wish I didn't get so tired...

sjpp @ 2008-08-31T13:48:00

2008-08-31T21:21:57Z

Very early this morning I awoke to a strange sensation, as if someone were leaving my bed. It took a moment for the eerie reality to dawn that no other human was in my house. I looked down the bed. Kashmir the cat was still sound asleep at the end of the bed. I thought back to my dreams for answers and knew they were rich, but I could not translate them. I fell back asleep and this time I dreamt in images and words a bizarre and complicated dream. A flying pick-up truck that spews out its own dangerous runway and that doubles as a submarine with an interior that, TARDIS like, expands beyond the small cab to accommodate our group of 20-30 friends and cohorts. Nuclear secrets are sunken in tropical waters. A political refugee seeks asylum in the US embassy of a corrupt and dangerous Caribbean nation. We race criminal gangs and government thugs to pull together the evidence before it "disappears." One of us risks a painful death to draw our pursuers away from us as another of our group gives birth to twins. Their midwife sobs and splits in two from the strain of life and death. I hand the twins to the midwife's husband and hold both the midwife and her doppelganger. The mother is healthy and resting inside. All will be well.

sjpp @ 2007-12-15T10:34:00

2007-12-15T18:52:11Z

I have this odd sense of melancholy today, just adolescent enough to make me want to post here and wallow in it a while. Perhaps it was listening to the Nirvana CD that arrived this week and woke up some old memories, or maybe it was selecting more CDs to be doled out to me once a month at that low-low price, and stumbling on all those artists beloved by the one (one of the ones) who didn't love me. Maybe it was the dream I had last night that I was in love and about to be married, or the dream the night before that I had a son. I asked for sweet dreams of love and connection; I just didn't understand the implications I guess. The comfort that is waking up from a nightmare and realizing it was just a dream is the melancholy of waking from such sweetness and knowing it was just a mirage. But my life is not a desert. It is filled with beauty and wonder and love, and for every unfulfilled desire there is in its place an unexpected gift. Why then do I still have the desire? Am I brave and big and expanding, grateful for what is and wanting more? Or am I caught in the trap of my stubbornness, recognizing all that is around me but unsatisfied because it is not what I asked for?

sjpp @ 2007-09-09T20:54:00

2007-09-10T05:41:00Z

Wow! Has it really been almost a year since I have been here? That's a sobering thought! A year at once seems long and short to me. Have I changed? Yes, of course, and no, not really. Has the world changed? Yes, of course, and no not really. Problems come and go, with different faces and wearing different clothes, but underneath, they are the same. If you're lucky, they shift subtly enough that you can see a new aspect, recognize them, learn something about them. This is all I ask of my problems, my issues: Just turn slightly to the left, a touch to the right, move just a little so I can see you, some of you, a little more of you. Sometimes, when I am really lucky, I can recognize my problems like old friends. I can greet them: "Oh, it's you! Wow! I haven't seen you for a while! What's up? What brings you here?" Then, I get to learn, get deeper, and build my foundation. Ah, but, most of the time, my issues just look like daemons, seeded deep within me, sprouting out from me and then choking me, stealing my life force, sucking me dry. I have tried and failed to fight them. However, slowly, subtly, when my daemons roar and spew fire and muck all over me, I am learning to shift myself. Turn just a little to the left, a touch to right, move just a little...

This coming Samhain will be the third anniversary of my departure from my marriage of 13 years. It is finally starting to feel like a long time ago. It was definitely a different life time, but this life I am living now, I'm finally getting used to it. Finding my way through it. Learning its traps and how to escape them. I've been telling anyone who cares to listen that I feel as though very old, long repressed parts of me are finally waking up. I started repressing them over half my lifetime ago. Oh, how I have missed them! How happy I am at their return! Of course, they come back tentatively, and well honed habits are quick to run them over, push them back, drown them in stories. Still, I am hopeful, because I can remember them now, and by remembering, pull them back to me.

Life is good and rich and filled with diverse experiences. I am learning and growing and changing and remembering. I am blessed and grateful.

sjpp @ 2006-09-22T00:02:00

2006-09-22T07:13:42Z

There is a lot of activity at Moffett Field tonight. I've heard helicopters over head all evening, and planes coming and going. I know without looking the helicopters are Blackhawks, ominous vipers hovering above us. They are scary even knowing they are my own country's, even knowing the professionalism and patriotism of my country's military, even knowing that the mission of my country's military is to protect me, the civilian, the innocent woman... When I seem them in light of day their guns never point down at me. Still, a chill runs down my spine as I jog down the trail near the base. My legs feel stiff and wobbly at the same time. My heart pumps just slightly off-beat, and I have to work to regain my focus on one foot falling and then the other. I cannot imagine what these death machines look like to the Iraqi, when the guns are pointed down, when death is already in the air and predator and prey alike can smell it. I am not a pacifist, but I think I begin to understand why they hate us.

Tonight is one of the last nights I will know when exercises are being run at Moffett. I am surprised to find myself happy at the thought that soon the only helicopters that will bother me will be the intrusive runs of CAMP patrols looking for marijuana plants on my front deck. The "War on Drugs" seems so innocent compared to the atrocities committed under our government's newest un-war. In just a few days' time, I will be back in my forest, among my beloved trees, and we will giggle together at my government's silly attempts to control our behavior. We will give little thought to hovering gun ships and what darkness they may be training to spread.

Blessed be the meek, the quiet, the still. Blessed be the thousand year old sages of our coastal mountains. Blessed be those who live among them and know who they are. See you soon...

sjpp @ 2006-07-28T11:02:00

2006-07-28T18:02:02Z

Movement! Strong desire for big bold movement! Change! DO SOMETHING!! Make a statement! Be someone!

But what can I say that has not been said before? What can I do that a thousand others cannot do with greater grace and beauty and originality? What do I have to give that everyone does not already have?

I want the Universe to notice me and affirm my individual worthiness, but when I look to the Universe, "all illusion shatters." I look for myself in the Universal and see that I am small and common. I wish to see my uniqueness but am shown my commonality with all that is, and finally I realize I am searching for diamonds in a gold mine.

Of course I know the answers to the questions I pose. What do I have to give that others do not already have? Nothing. For we all have access to everything. We are all complete in ourselves though we vary in how well we realize this. What is unique about me is what is common about me is myself. We are all the same, and we are all individuals. We are connected yet separate, of the same source. These things I have been taught by many different teachers from many different traditions. Even this knowledge is not unique.

Leopards, Etc.

2006-06-11T19:22:44Z

A few months ago, a couple friends and I drove up to the North Bay to see some beautiful cats. Leopards, Etc. creates presentations to introduce the public to wild cats in a effort to raise awareness of the plight of these amazing animals and to raise money to help stop their seeming inevitable extinction. As a runner myself, I thrilled at seeing the ultimate runner on this planet, a King Cheetah, Kgosi. Photographs do not convey the power of his shape and form as he moves. Once a year, Leopards, Etc. allows the public to come to their property to and watch their cheetahs run. It's not cheap, but I know for me, this is a rare opportunity to see a true wonder of this world. These cats are unique among all creation. They live in a tiny sliver of the ecosystem and that sliver is getting smaller as our world changes. I don't know if we can or even should change the path our world seems to be following. Powerful pressures are destroying much of what has created so much beauty. Although I have never seen a cheetah in the wild, and probably never will, I will miss them. Their existence in the wild makes this world a richer place, and their disappearance leaves a hollow feeling in my soul.

sjpp @ 2006-05-18T10:11:00

2006-05-18T17:11:47Z

tagged by seagull42

I AM: doing the best I can.
I WANT: to find contentment within myself.
I WISH: it were easier.
I HATE: this pain.
I REGRET: having caused pain in others.
I AM NOT: going to beat up on myself, if I can help it.
I DANCE: and it feels good.
I SING: to sooth my soul.
I CRY: and cry, and cry.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: anything.
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: gestures of love.
I WRITE: my dreams, my thoughts, my emotions.
I CONFUSE: myself.
I NEED: to remember who I am.
I SHOULD: lighten up.
I START: many, many things.
I FINISH: some of them.

Detachment

2006-04-26T19:56:50Z

I am reminded, again, as I am spinning through this moment of my life, that attachment causes misery. I can see how letting go of my desired outcome frees me from the boiling acid of dispair which eats away at my heart. But detachment alludes me.

I relax my gaze. I cleanse myself in holy water. I allign myself with myself and release and surrender to that part of me which is connected to, is part of, the divine. I listen to the messages the fey, the ancestors and my own soul bring to me. I forge the iron pentacle within me and step into my fire. I find comfort and strength. But the desire is still there.

I cannot release it fully--that which I have always wanted, that which I was programmed to want, that which I resent wanting but cannot feel complete without. I cannot release it, and I cannot fulfill it. And thus, the longing creeps back in and empties my strength, replaces my joy with a thinny that fills me with fear and revulsion yet draws me into its cold, clammy depths.

The message of my first marathon was "Mile 24." At mile 24, I was exhausted. My legs were cramping from my ankles to my hips. My feet ached and burned. My mind was numb from the emotional highs and lows which had washed over me as I ran farther than I had ever thought possible. But my body had become accustomed to the movement of my running, and any change in its motion brought even more excruciating pain. I feared that if I stopped or even slowed down, I might never move again. (Don't expect rationality from someone who has just run 24 miles.) The message of Mile 24 is that sometimes you are there. The message of Mile 24, is that soon you will reach Mile 25, and then 26, and then the finish. The message of Mile 24 is that it is part of what you must go through to run a marathon. The message of Mile 24 is don't stop.

Am I simply now at yet another Mile 24? Is all of the pain and confusion and dispair just part of what I have to go through to fulfill my desire? The marathon was so much easier. I knew when I was at Mile 24. And I knew when I was there, that I had 2.2 miles left to run. I only seem to be able to see the mile markers in my life after I have already past them. And I don't know how long this race is meant to be.

sjpp @ 2006-04-15T11:43:00

2006-04-15T18:51:32Z

1. Thank the person that tagged you.
2. List 5 random/strange/weird things about you.
3. Tag 5 other people.

Thank you seagull42 and jenyatb. I realize that you both tagged me a long, long time ago, but truthfully I haven't looked at LJ for months. So here goes:

1. Before I got closer to the people in Community Seed, I thought I was weird.
2. I do not believe in Good or Evil (even though I will call things good and evil).
3. My spirituality permeates every part of my life; I hide it from no one; I wear my pentacles whenever and wherever I feel like. However, I am reluctant to consider going to a graduate school with a spiritual aspect because it seems foofy.
4. I'll miss the rain much more than I miss the sun.
5. I'm in love with a tree.

Hm, tagging people. That's a little hard, because I only know three people on LJ, and two them tagged me. So I guess I'll tag johannamoon.

Propogated Meme

2005-08-17T05:00:31Z

1) Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.
2) I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3) I'll pick a flavor/color of jello to wrestle with you in.
4) I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5) I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6) I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7) I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8) If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal.

Mandalas - The Void

2005-08-06T06:21:06Z

I picked up Susanne Fincher’s Coloring Mandalas book; I don’t really know why. Maybe the ritual play we did at Lammas was carrying over into my mundane life, but I was very attracted to this coloring book. The book presents mandalas to go through the twelve stages of the Great Round. “The ultimate realization of the Great Round is awareness of the Center, the Self, and the stages of your ego experience as a whole in perfect balance and harmony: a mandala.” This is my first mandala coloring, at Stage 1, the Void.

The colors I chose and my interpretation of them are as follows:
The outer circle is blue and violet to represent the night sky, the void in which we all float in our planetary capsule. The inner circle is dark red to represent the womb of the Great Mother out of which we are all born. The figure in the outer circle wears a green robe to represent growth. Her skin is brown as the earth, as she represents, for me, the Earth Mother. Her hair is black streaked with silver, like the night sky. The woman in the center is pink as new skin. She is new, barely formed, and her skin is not yet colored. Her lips are red, full of life, and her eyes blue, serene. Her hair is yellow and orange, streaked with gold for she is full of fire and the spark of life. On the bottom of her foot are swirls of every color. This is her potential, many faceted but not yet formed.

In truth, I chose the colors without much thought. It is in looking back that I have found the above associations. The feeling that I have as I look at the colors is of a calm exterior with pulsing center. Come to think of it, that’s how I’ve been generally feeling lately.

Coloring skills aside, what do you think?

What Then?

2005-07-29T17:00:05Z

I got this poem in my daily quotes e-mail. I thought it was cool.

What Then?

Kristian Ostergaard

That cause can never be lost nor stayed
which takes the course of what God has made;
and is not trusting in walls and towers,
but slowly growing from seeds to flowers.

Each noble service that has been wrought
was first conceived as a fruitful thought;
each worthy cause with a future glorious
by quietly growing becomes victorious.

Thereby itself like a tree it shows:
that high it reaches, as deep it grows;
and when the storms are its branches shaking,
it deeper root in the soil is taking.

Be then no more by a storm dismayed,
for by it the full grown seeds are laid;
and though the tree by its might it shatters,
what then, if thousands of seeds it scatters?

Source: Kristian Ostergaard (1855-1931); transl. from the Danish by Jens C. Aaberg

This Day in History

2005-07-28T20:53:27Z

I have started receiving the NY Times headlines via e-mail every morning. Down towards the very bottom of the e-mail is a tiny section that tells of a significant event that happened on same day in history. Today marks the 91st anniversary of the start of World War I. In 1914, Austria declared war on Serbia. It seems to me like this was the last stand of the European empires. By the end of the Great War, Austria's emperor, the German Kaiser and the Russian Czar would all be gone. Governmental power in the West would have moved from aristocratic courts to the people, with the remaining super-powers all being republics or constitutional monarchies where the kings and queens only served as symbolic heads-of-state. European history leading up to this time was bloody. A century of revolutions, internal tyranny and external aggression was ending in what they thought would be the War to End All Wars. It wasn't. It didn't.

What brings all this to mind is how odd it feels to read about the goings on of an Imperial Court in something as modern as a newspaper, printed in mass quantities on huge machines--the juxtaposition of the old monarchist system of castles and aristocracy and peasants and a world centered on agriculture with the industrial age of machines and factories and cities and faceless corporations. Do we now stand at a similar turning point? At the turn of the last century, power changed from being derived from the control of land, to being derived from the control of things. Are we turning now to power being derived through the control of information, control of the incomprehensible but supremely powerful stock markets, control of fickle but supremely manipulatable consumers? I don't really know. We don't lose the previous needs because of the new focus. We still need to food to be grown so that we can eat; we still need factories to make our stuff. But, the most powerful people in the world--where do they derive their power-base? Control over resources, but how do they control the resources? Owning the land? Owning the factory? Owning the company? Those individuals probably don't even really know why they are the powerful people that they are. They probably don't even realize how powerful they really are--and the truly powerful probably are not who we think they are. Only history can tell us that, and we'll probably be dead before someone looks back and says how odd it seems to see e-mail juxtaposed with a newspaper article.

sjpp @ 2005-05-29T02:30:00

2005-05-29T09:35:19Z

You scored as Faerie. Faerie: Aren't you a cute little flying person? Faeries are earth spirits. They live among each element completely hidden. They have cousins called Pixies. Pixies however, are very mischevious. They enjoy tormenting other creatures for fun. Little pranksters.. I hope you never meet one. Pixies have a bad reputation for finding a creature and clinging to them until death. Faeries can be somewhat close to a Pixie, but mostly they are loving, playful, and carry with them a child-like enthusiasm for life. Hide among the pedals of a Daisy, you are a Faerie.

<td>

Faerie

</td><td><table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="92" bgcolor="#dddddd">

</td><td>92%</td></tr><tr><td>

WereWolf

</td><td>

</td><td>83%</td></tr><tr><td>

Angel

</td><td>

</td><td>83%</td></tr><tr><td>

Mermaid

</td><td>

</td><td>75%</td></tr><tr><td>

Dragon

</td><td>

</td><td>67%</td></tr><tr><td>

Demon

</td><td>

</td><td>58%</td></tr></td></tr></table>
What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!)
created with QuizFarm.com

My Soul's Voice

2005-05-29T09:17:03Z

There is a woman who is very well-known, respected, and popular in certain circles, named Thorn Coyle. Thorn wrote a chant the refrain of which is "If my soul says so, I do as my soul says." It is a beautiful, moving and challenging chant, and as I have thought about it and chanted it, I have pondered the refrain's meaning. What does it mean to listen to one's soul?

A few months ago, a woman I deeply respect and admire, "J", told a story about being in a parking lot after it had been raining. A pile of earthworms had crawled onto a parking lot to escape drowning, and she thought she should pick them up out of the parking lot where they were in danger of being run over. However, there were people she worked with there, and she was embarrassed to pick up worms in front of them. So, she waited for them to leave. As her co-workers drove off, they ran over the worms. "J" said that this was where she was reminded of her pledge to do as her soul tells her, and that when she fails to follow her soul's urging, bad things happen.

Tonight, I pondered alone in my rented house. I sang the chant as I washed the last load of dishes that I had let accumulate over the week, and I thought, I don't know what my soul's voice sounds like. I look back at my life and see a path of destruction and neglect. I think of the pain that I have caused, to myself and, more importantly, to those I love, and I wonder: Was there some inner voice that I failed to hear telling me how to avoid destroying my marriage? Was there some quiet whisper telling me what I should have been doing while I was seducing a woman I had no intention of seducing? What deep secrets am I missing because I cannot face my own soul?

Blue Nail Polish with Purple Glitter

2005-05-15T08:27:36Z

Is what I adorned my nails with this evening.

I'm lonely this evening, so I'm on the computer, but that's not the reason I'm here. I'm here because I heard so much about this place and people I love and respect are posting here. But that's not the reason I am here. I am here because it seems like fun.

If you find me, why are you here? (And since you are not here even if you are reading this, why aren't you here? I'm lonely God Damn It! Screw it, I don't want to hear your excuses...)